So I started this blog months ago to talk and write about fashion but havnt kept it up and have no followers etc so feel can vent here without family friends seeing and without upsetting them Unfortunately this post isn't about fashion - how I wish it was.
My dad has been poorly for a few months and has been diagnosed with pancreas cancer last Thursday with no cure.
My dad is 53, a wonderful man, father and grandfather who has worked hard all his life and has been a loving husband to my amazing mum for thirty years. Apart from the awful bastard that is cancer he was fit and healthy. He is still working now even after losing 20 pounds- and in such bad pain he was hospitalised for two weeks fed on morphine and other drugs to help the pain which the pain drugs seem to have controlled somewhat or he is good at covering his pain - it I feel it's a bit of both.
We had been told it was 99.9 per cancer a few weeks ago so getting the final news wasn't a shock although the hope we all felt and prayed for I feel hadn't been in vain- without hope what is there. He has been told two years at best but a few months more likely
My brother and his fiancée are now getting married in December and him and mum are going away for the weekend in two weeks. Visiting him Is hard- I feel so scared and sick before hand - how will he look - he looks so poorly after only a few weeks?, will he be ok emotionally - will I be ok emotionally? . We have all carried on as normal as possible in front of him, talking about the cancer briefly and as if we are talking about a cold, thankfully we have a four year old son who keeps things both entertaining and again that word - normal.
The worst feeling is somehow knowing it won't be long and I have an awful sinking feeling dad thinks this too.
People tell me he might be ok, the chemo might shrink it to nothing, there may be a miracle but that doesn't help and I know to anyone not going through this won't understand this and I can't quite explain why it doesn't- but all I can say is I pray every day for a miracle but I know deep down the worst is pretty much inevitable I knew it was cancer even when a consultant stated she didn't think it was cancer many weeks ago and I feel I need to prepare myself.
Pancreas cancer doesn't have good survival rates, in fact is has hardly any survivors. Friends have said they are worried about how strong I'm being and I guess on the surface I am, I'm not very good at showing my emotion anyway I'm much better at talking too people about their problems and helping them while giving cuddles and tea, but if dad can get up and go to work and carry on to help towards supporting mum for her future financially while he can in case of the worst then so can I - if I'm honest I have bad days and good days, bad hours and good hours, my every thought is consumed by my dad and if i do forget for a mili second something will bring it back to me like a slap in the face, Yes I'm being strong but I'm also hanging on by a thread.
I just can't comprehend how life can change so drastically in a few months'? Everywhere I see now has cancer on it - adverts shops papers it's all been there before I know, I'm not naive to it It is all just so unfair, I don't want to be 27 without my big strong dad, I don't want Harry to not have a grandad. I see the pain and the terrified look behind mums smile and I feel so scared for her- its horrendous for me and my brother but this is her husband the man she has been with since she was 16?im scared for for us all and most of all for dad - what must he be going through.
Mum said to me yesterday what she cant get out of her head is of him looking scared before it happens and in pain,I reassured her he wouldn't, that in what I have read and been told he will be at peace by this point.
The thing with cancer is you go through the pain with the sufferer - you lose weight, you change emotionally, and you feel such emotional pain sometimes you can't breathe - it eats up everyone affected. I just keep on going preparing for the worst and wishing ,praying,hoping for the best xxxxx